Holy crap! Can you believe it’s been a year? OMGWTFBIBLE is about to have its 12th episode! Absolute madness!
This month, guest Elissa Goldstein will begin with chapter 20 and we will keep reading until we stop. And there’ll be a recap! Or you can catch up here.
OMGWTFBIBLE Episode 12 Live
2A
25 Avenue A
October 1, 8PM
FREE! 21+!
In this interview in the Forward, those Hasidic guys who bug people on the streets of New York asking if they’re Jewish explain how they know who’s Jewish and who’s not:
First, said Yisroel, “we call it ‘racial profiling.’ Who looks Jewish?” (When asked to clarify later, Yisroel says it’s not about the nose — a “broad, clear forehead with no creases” indicates a non-Jew, while Jews’ foreheads are sometimes lined.) Next is detecting a subtle vibe of recognition, a process that Levi calls “bageling.” Third is playing the statistics game. One out of every five people in New York City are Jewish, said Yisroel. If you exclude African Americans and Asians, your odds are closer to one in three.
I’m not sure what “bageling” is, but I claim to have a very highly-attuned Jewdar. Mostly, if a girl is wearing long sleeves under a short sleeve shirt in the summer, or a group of non-athletic guys is wearing baseball caps, they’re probably Jewish. Or, if a guy looks anything like me, he’s probably Jewish.
As you may have noticed from the podcast, there’s some pretty crazy sex stuff that goes on in Genesis. You know, like girls raping their dad and 3-year olds getting sold to old men. Matthew Stillman noticed it too, and he noticed the beauty in some of the more pleasant sex scenes, so he decided to rewrite the King James Version of Genesis into an erotic novel called Genesis Deflowered.
Here’s a little sample.
And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair. The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. And Sarai kept Abram safe by her hand. The Pharaoh craved to know the secrets under the skins of Sarai, and to see her beg for the pleasures of her thighs. And the ochre in her eyes enflamed Pharaoh. And Pharaoh did use his crook upon her. And Sarai ventured to show her fervour when she clasped the Pharaoh. And with flail and crook did they know each other unto the day. And the welts upon their backs and thighs were cooled by kisses; and kisses did cool the welts. Sarai bit upon his crook with ardour; and he brought seed from within Sarai, and watered it. And Abram did keep watch, and abide by them in the night. His staff stood in secret for Sarai. And so Pharaoh entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
Compare that with my version:
When Abram got to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was just crazy hot. Pharaoh’s officers saw Sarai and told Pharoah how bonetastic she was. They took her to the house of Pharaoh, rewarding Avraham very well for her. They gave him sheep, oxen, donkeys, male slaves, female slaves, lady-donkeys, and camels.
Be honest. Which gets you hotter?
<h/t: Friendly Atheist>
If you’ve been listening, you shouldn’t be surprised that God is kind of a cheeky character.
Happy Jewish New Year! If you’ve not heard of Rosh Hashanah, this is the Onion article for you:
Jews to Celebrate Rosh Hashana or Something
JERUSALEM—Jews the world over are preparing to celebrate Rosh Hashanukah or something this weekend, the traditional Jewish holiday marking some sort of rebirth and new beginning, or maybe the Jews’ liberation from some foreign ruler 55,000 years ago. “Rash Kishansha is a very holy time for the Jewish people,” said Paul Castellano, a guy from Houston whose gastroenterologist is Jewish. “I think Dr. Futterman said it’s the holiday where they light that chandelier and blow that horn.” Lasting 12 days, Ran Hosea is followed by Yor Kiplach, the Festival of Sand, during which no buttered bread may be eaten in remembrance of the flooding of the ancient Temple of Hosea.
Meanwhile, I continue to plug away at editing In the Beginning and getting the next episodes ready. And planning our big Year 2 extravaganza in October. Big things coming down the line!
Here is a parody of “Get Lucky” about Rosh Hashanah made by a whole bunch of back-flipping, auto-tuned Orthodox Jews.
I would much prefer they all be wearing robot faces, but you can’t have everything.
Behold! Episode 10 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Ari Schwab is now available!!
This episode was recorded at the Magnet Theater and it was spectacular! We talked all about growing up Jewish, beloved children’s book, and sibling rivalry. I hope you enjoy it!
There are so many ways to listen to Episode 11!
Direct link is here.
You can also: subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!
Behold! Episode 10 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Ariel Abrahams is now available!!
This episode is the second one recorded at Double Wide Bar and it sure was a doozy! You should go there if you’re in town!
There are so many ways to listen to Episode 10!
Direct link is here.
You can also: subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!
In Episode 10, I mention that Rivka, the woman given to Yitzchak, was only 3 years old when Avraham’s anonymous slave found her (at least according to some traditions). Before the episode, I read a few excerpts from “Kind Little Rivka,” a cheerful children’s book that treats this union as though it’s a totally normal, OK thing. If you want to read this twisted book, order it here!
I first heard about “Kind Little Rivka” in a very thoughtful blog post by Eli Federman in the Jewish Daily Forward, in which he puts the story in perspective, quoting modern statistics about child brides:
I never expected a kids book to glorify underage marriage. Children are enslaved in marriages, abused, tortured and killed. According to the organization Girls Not Brides, every year an estimated “14 million girls are married before they turn 18. Robbed of their childhood, denied their rights to health, education and security.”
In the book, Rivka helps a blind woman, gives up her seat, and waters thirsty animals.
These are all benign acts of kindness — but they culminate in a 3-year-old girl’s marriage to a man 10 times her age. I don’t want my little daughter thinking that underage marriage, in any context, is ever acceptable. Period.
You should read the rest of the article. It’s a very interesting take from an observant Jew on what happens when people transmit the unseemlier parts of the Bible to their children.
Episode 10 is in the can! Last night was a hell of a lot of fun. As always, the folks behind the scenes at the Double Wide were nice as can be, incredibly helpful, and just generally great to work with. John and I are working diligently to clean it up and get it ready for your downloading and listening pleasure by August 5.
Last night, though, I shared some very exciting news with the audience. In August, OMGWTFBIBLE will have the honor of being part of the Test Drive series at the Magnet Theater–one of the top improv comedy theaters in New York. The Magnet uses Test Drive to find shows to add to their regular schedule. So if the next episode goes well, OMGWTFBIBLE could find a new home at the Magnet Theater. This would mean a wider audience, a space designed specifically for comedy, and, more importantly, a better show. If OMGWTFBIBLE becomes a Magnet show, I’ll be working with the artistic director there to give you a show that’s even funnier, tighter, and more insightful than it already is. Continue reading
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