Get Horny with the Bible

As you may have noticed from the podcast, there’s some pretty crazy sex stuff that goes on in Genesis. You know, like girls raping their dad and 3-year olds getting sold to old men. Matthew Stillman noticed it too, and he noticed the beauty in some of the more pleasant sex scenes, so he decided to rewrite the King James Version of Genesis into an erotic novel called Genesis Deflowered.

Here’s a little sample.

And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair. The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. And Sarai kept Abram safe by her hand. The Pharaoh craved to know the secrets under the skins of Sarai, and to see her beg for the pleasures of her thighs. And the ochre in her eyes enflamed Pharaoh. And Pharaoh did use his crook upon her. And Sarai ventured to show her fervour when she clasped the Pharaoh. And with flail and crook did they know each other unto the day. And the welts upon their backs and thighs were cooled by kisses; and kisses did cool the welts. Sarai bit upon his crook with ardour; and he brought seed from within Sarai, and watered it. And Abram did keep watch, and abide by them in the night. His staff stood in secret for Sarai. And so Pharaoh entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.

Compare that with my version:

When Abram got to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was just crazy hot. Pharaoh’s officers saw Sarai and told Pharoah how bonetastic she was. They took her to the house of Pharaoh, rewarding Avraham very well for her. They gave him sheep, oxen, donkeys, male slaves, female slaves, lady-donkeys, and camels.

Be honest. Which gets you hotter?

<h/t: Friendly Atheist>

OMGWTFBIBLE Episode 9

Episode 9!Behold! Episode 9 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Jed Oelbaum is now available!!

This episode is the first I’m doing in the new format (explained here) so I don’t have a pithy In which for you!

Double Wide Bar was gracious enough to host us this month, and I am forever grateful to them. The people there are endlessly helpful. I cannot say enough about how kind they were. Please, if you’re in New York, pay them a visit and sample their incredible whiskey collection or their delicious menu.

 

There are so many ways to listen to Episode 9!

Direct link is here.

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OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 8

OMGWTFBible - squareBehold! Chapter 8 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Julie Sugar is now available!!

In which a plotline is recycled and Avraham gives us a primer in how to be a bad dad

I assure you, Julie is not this blurry in real life.

I assure you, Julie is not this blurry in real life.

There are so many ways to listen!

Direct link is here.

You can also: subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!

OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 7

Behold! Chapter 7 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Lonnie Mann is now available!!

In which all sorts of sexy things (and one very unsexy one) happen

There are so many ways to listen!

Direct link is here.

You can also: subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!