According to Open Culture, the above is a lovely color illustration of the oldest known depiction of dick decapitation, a bas relief discovered in Egypt (shown below). Apparently, the image dates back to 2400 B.C.E, which would predate the story of Abraham by only a few centuries.
Since Open Culture already did the research on this, I’ll just tell you more of what they said about the history of circumcision. Apparently, Egyptian remains as far back as 4,000 B.C.E. show evidence of the practice. Aren’t you glad iPhones exist? Human beings came up with some really weird crap without smartphones to distract us.
According to an essay Open Culture dug up, circumcision happened to a whole bunch of people at once back in the 23rd century B.C.E., not to one poor baby at a time. This is a dude named “Uha”:
“When I was circumcised, together with one hundred and twenty men, there was none thereof who hit out, there was none thereof who was hit, and there was none thereof who scratched and there was none thereof who was scratched.”
Circumcision parties: the original Sausage Fests.